Dear Anti-Semites:
I am generally what one would view as a rule-follower. I try to act in a manner consistent with people’s expectations of me. Although there are of course times when it is necessary to rock the boat a bit, overall I like to exist within the social mores of the day and that are applicable to me. Unfortunately, however, these days I am no longer at all clear on what is expected of me. Specifically, it has become virtually impossible for me to know whom, as a Jew and supporter of Israel, it is exactly that I am supposed to hate and oppress. Consequently, I am reaching out to your communities to hopefully get some much needed guidance.
To elaborate on my predicament, I should provide context. For almost all of the first 50 years of my life, I had been led to believe that I was a part of a worldwide cabal that controlled financial institutions, governments, politics and, of course, the entertainment industry. Although I do not recall ever being invited to attend any meetings or receiving any correspondence regarding my role as part of this covert masterminding of world events, I nonetheless felt fairly comfortable that such was the role I was assumed to play. To support this, I was informed periodically over the years that I was a Semite and thus a “non-White”. Consequently, I was supposed to be working to keep the white man down. And even as recently as a few years ago, I was reminded that I was supposed to be working against whites and their interests by the “good people” who assembled in Charlottesville, Virginia. Yes, it was all very clear. Or so I thought.
Recently, however, I have been informed by some of you that I have been hating the wrong people. Instead of being anti-white, I now apparently am white. Who knew? As a white, based on what legions of collegiate luminaries are telling me, I am part of a struggle to keep down the people of color. Candidly, I was shocked – and a bit embarrassed – to learn this. All of those years I had wrongly assumed that I was not “really white” and that I should be supporting other people of color (or maybe just shades of color). So silly of me. How could I not have known that I was merely a colonial oppressor from Europe that sought to perpetually repress those of color or, more broadly, anyone whose origins are from the southern hemisphere? In my partial defense, I may have been a bit thrown off by a few minor events such as ceaseless pogroms in the late 19th century, the Holocaust and then, again, more pogroms But that’s on me. Anyway, I was shocked to learn, as someone who most diligently tries to stay on top of current events and modern thinking, that there was literally an entire half of the globe that I should have been, for all these years, working against and generally loathing. I was even more ashamed of my ignorance when I was told that Israel was merely an apartheid state. Foolishly, I had been misled to believe that the fact that Israelis of European descent, who make up only a third of Israel’s citizenry, mattered not. Clearly, I was told, Israel was simply an extension of white colonialism and suppression of those non-whites. For any I had offended by not hating them because they are not white, I apologize.
And yet, when I finally thought I had figured it all out, just yesterday I learned that once again I was wrong. Mr. Musk, being the true humanitarian and clearly superior intellect that we all know you to be, you confused me when you agreed with the following statement: “Jewish communties (sic) have been pushing the exact kind of dialectical hatred against whites that they claim to want people to stop using against them.” After looking up what dialectical means – I have made so many mistakes as noted above I could not risk being wrong yet again – I realized that once again I had oversimplified matters. Apparently, notwithstanding the violent groups on college campuses who are, after all, just exercising their right to free speech, I am actually once again not white. At this point, I am hopelessly confused.
I think it would be a great service of you, the anti-Semitic communities out there, if you could get together – maybe at a Starbucks union meeting or on any Ivy League college campus – to decide exactly whether we Jews are in fact white or not. And, pending the resolution of that determination, could you be so kind as to also let us know whether we are supposed to thus hate people of color/from anywhere other than the northern hemisphere or whites, whatever that means? I appreciate that this is a big ask as I know that you are quite busy with your many important ventures such as running the United Nations, writing “articles” for The Guardian, teaching social justice classes, burning crosses, acquiring Nazi memorabilia, attempting to intimidate college students, painting swastikas (often backwards – who says anti-Semites don’t have a sense of humor?) and, of course, telling everyone that we killed Jesus. I would not ask but we really are just at our wits' end on this one.
We are just simple Jews. We are really much more familiar with being hated than peddling hatred, so please excuse our clumsiness and lack of focus on this issue. While we await your decisions, we will just go back to counting our money.
Sincerely,
A Confused Jew
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